10 Excellent Ways

1	Make sure that potential visitors have to work hard to find out what time the worship service is. Do not put the time on your tape message, bulletin board, or newspaper ad. Or if you do, be sure it is incorrect!
2	Make sure directions to the church are non-existent, inaccurate, or incredibly complicated.
3	Make sure that there is no sign announcing the church or, if you insist on a sign, make sure it is minuscule, hidden, with outdated information.
4	Make sure that there are no parking spaces available close to the church.
5	Make sure that the entrance most likely to be used by visitors is permanently locked and there is no sign pointing visitors to another door.
6	Make sure that anyone who does make it through the front door is a) completely ignored, or b) surrounded and jumped on by all the regular members.
7	Make sure that visitors are not ushered to a seat, have to climb over five regulars in order to sit against a cold wall, or have to walk all the way to the front pew.
8	Make sure that the first words heard by visitors hungry to worship and hear the word of the Lord are, instead, a congregational laundry list of the sundry activities of the week, thereby significantly distracting, if not frustrating, their spirits.
9	Make sure that the worship bulletin is filled with code words (e.g., "Doxology"), surprise actions (stand up, sit down, greet your neighbor, dosie-do), and lists of funny labels ("offertory") with nothing spiritual to chew on.
10	Make sure that worship is painful to endure: the temperature is 10 degrees too hot or too cold; expect people to sit for long periods in hard pews; leave big gaps in the flow of the service; clearly give the impression that no thought has gone into preparing for the service of worship.

10 Excellent Ways* to Make Sure Visitors Don’t Come Back to Your Church** Ever Again!